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Inside the News by Mpakoo – All pieces appearing in this column are satire

All pieces appearing in this column are satire

Bear with us while we end corruption on December 31 by 11:49pm – Government

The Flagstaff House has tried to assuage the anxieties of Ghanaians regarding the rising spate of corruption scandals with a press statement assuring the public that the government promises to finish the plunder of state resources before midnight of the December 31, 2015. ‘Although government is fully committed to eradicating …

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Hassan Ayariga blames loss to Edward Mahama on ‘inability to cough’

Disappointed PNC presidential hopeful, Hassan Ayariga, has claimed that he would have ‘easily won’ the primaries if he had ‘only stuck to his previous strategy of coughing’ at his opponents instead of vote-buying. Speaking to journalists after his loss, Mr Ayariga said his only regret is that he has lost …

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Majority leader blames all of government’s problems on NPP sabotage

The majority leader has exposed the diabolical machinations of the NPP, whose leadership, said he, have been busily forming alliances with forces internal, external, and even infernal! Privileged information available to the NDC MP suggests that the NPP made use of their ties with external forces to thwart government’s attempt …

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I deserve a medal for bringing the power barge home – Power Minister

The Power Minister, Dr Kwabena Donkor, has highly sang his own praises at the Tema Harbour, where the Karpower barge from Turkey has finally docked. ‘Once again, our detractors are going to question the wisdom in inaugurating the mere arrival of an item which is already so many months late. …

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Mahama chastises 4.9% of NDC members who voted against him

President John Dramani Mahama has directed some harsh words at the 4.9% of NDC voters who expressed lack of faith in his leadership at the party primaries last weekend. He told a gathering of supporters that it was ‘unfortunate that some opana insignificants who are not my co-equal would dare …

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Touch not my anointed and do my Anas no harm

Martin Amidu, the former Attorney-General who introduced the word ‘Gargantuan’ into popular Ghanaian vocabulary, is no longer in the good books of Ghanaians. The self-acclaimed Citizen-Vigilante incurred the self-righteous indignation of the Ghanaian moral public for daring to question the motives, methods, and malfeasance likely to have been committed in …

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We will win 2016 elections with sympathy votes – NPP

Card-bearing members of the NPP have dismissed concerns about the growing spate of violence in their party which recently led to the second murder of a member of the party this year. ‘The fratricides occurring in the party will help us attract sympathy votes,’ Sammy Awuku, who recently called for …

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Reflections on shit, biogas, and the Minister of Power

I have been thinking a lot about shit these past few days. I don’t mean the substance of shit itself. Because, unless you’re an expert in biogas or natural gas or shit like that, the substance of shit isn’t the most pleasant object of contemplation. What I’ve been thinking about …

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EC postpones 2016 elections ‘until further notice’

The Chairwoman of the Electoral Commission (EC), Mrs Charlotte Osei, has announced that the 2016 presidential and parliamentary elections have been postponed ‘almost indefinitely’ while she assesses the security situation in the country. She made this known in an interview with journalists after her presentation at the stakeholders’ forum at …

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Bad publicity is better than no publicity – NPP Council of Elders

The enactment of Mortal Kombat at the headquarters of the NPP last week has caused anxiety among NPP sympathisers and excitement about NDC loyalists. The NPP Council of Elders has, however, dismissed the concerns of party faithfuls, arguing that ‘bad publicity is better than no publicity at all.’ The leaders …

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