I have been thinking a lot about shit these past few days. I don’t mean the substance of shit itself. Because, unless you’re an expert in biogas or natural gas or shit like that, the substance of shit isn’t the most pleasant object of contemplation.
What I’ve been thinking about is shit as an indication of personality. The average person doesn’t relate too intimately with their shit. Just when they’re expelling it from their bodies. Which is strange considering the amount of time we spend thinking about and preparing and consuming food; which, come to think of it, is just the raw material of shit. But for now, let’s just talk about the quantity of shit, not its quality; not even its substance.
What does it mean to say that somebody is full of shit? Is there an optimal amount of shit we need to have in our bodies? A level beyond which it becomes unacceptable, and for which reason we can then be justifiably said to be full of shit?
The average human body should at any point in time contain a certain amount of shit. In this sense, there is no ‘pure’ body. A body without shit is a body which has been starving for a very long time. And maybe a body about to die of hunger.
A normal body should have a healthy amount of shit.
But what does it mean to be full of shit?
What does it mean for your stool to overflow its natural container in your body?
What does it mean for your shit to be so plentiful that your bowels can’t contain them?
And for it to well up inside of your? How would that feel? To be slowly filled up with the faecal matter? How long does the process take? Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?
How long before a person can be said to have slowly grown to the point where they acquire a large enough quantity of shit to be legitimately told, ‘You’re so full of shit!’
Does it require special skills to accumulate such a large volume of shit?
Does it send forth noisome gases through all their body openings?
Is that what they call natural gas?
Can this gas produce electricity?
Help end dumsor?
The Power Minister, Honourable Dr Kwabena Donkor, was in the news last week explaining why the power barge was still loitering about in the waters of Turkey rather than sending power to light up our homes and power industries.
One conclusion only remains from his explanations.
The Minister of Power is full of shit!
And the seat of government is the production plant for a never-ending supply of shit.
And we’ve been given so much shit to inhale that the frequent gusts of putrid air from the government smells like a sweet, lavender breeze to our traumatised nostrils.
Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on ghanabusinessnews.com is satire.
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