Privileged information from Cabinet indicates that President John Dramani Mahama has started feeling terrified of having to go to Parliament. This follows the tragic revelation that the president has become a Dead Goat. It is not yet clear what led to this tragedy, but physicians at the presidency suspect that the president has succumbed to a rare medical condition known as non-purposilia lamentitis.
There is the public dissemination of this message that has given the president this sudden terror of visiting Parliament. ‘As long as Hon Muntaka [Mohammed Mubarak] remains MP, I can’t feel safe going to parliament,’ the president was reported as saying. The president is said to have expressed fears that Muntaka might catch him and make chinchinga out of him.
‘Munkata is only the tip of an iceberg of a Cannibalising Cabal,’ former Attorney General, Martin Amidu, said in an interview. According to Martin Amidu, a scheme had been hatched by an elite group comprising Muntaka, Alfred Woyome, the Attorney General’s department, and a few faceless others, to raise money to buy the carcass of Dead Goats. ‘Their objective, which has long been in furtive operation, succeeded last week,’ said Mr Amidu, ‘after the AG’s department secured the acquittal of Mr Woyome.’
Mr Amidu further disclosed that this chinchinga-eating clique has bigger plans after they finish consuming the flesh of the Dead Goat. ‘They have a lot of money from GYEEDA, SADA, and the rest,’ he said; ‘they are not playing at all!’ The Citizen-vigilante claimed that this group is bent on making chinchinga out of anything that moves and breathes.
The existence of this gang is causing serious divisions in the ruling NDC. There is a camp that wants to save the president from being grilled into khebab.
Our confidential sources indicated that this group, headed by the publicity-shy Vice President, Kwesi Amissah-Arthur, is preparing for a showdown with the khebab-chomping group headed by Hon Muntaka. But the situation is quite messy, because another group, headed by former President Rawlings, wants to join the chinchinga-munching party, but are furious that they have been side-lined.
The former president was heard last week screaming in impotent fury against everyone in the NDC. ‘Are we so stupid?!’ he roared. ‘How can we allow them to eat all the chinchinga alone?’ he asked rhetorically. ‘After all that we’ve suffered to build the NDC, should we sit aside for Betty Mould, Alfred Woyome, Barton Oduro, Muntaka and their small circle to be the only ones to enjoy this Dead Goat?’
Our sources further reveal that Muntaka plans to give a sample of goat hair to Johnson Asiedu-Nketia, aka General Mosquito, to figure out if it can be processed into winter coats and other articles of clothing. ‘But what Muntaka is really interested to find out,’ our sources revealed, ‘is whether the goat hair can be used to produce pampers.’
Legal scholars have warned that unless the president overcomes this newfound terror of going to parliament, the country faces a constitutional crisis. In the opinion of the scholars, the constitution is not flexible enough to permit the president to delegate anyone else to, for instance, read the State of the Nation Address to parliament.
Meanwhile, renowned prophet of doom, Rev Isaac Owusu Bempah, claimed during a sermon on Sunday that the president’s announcement that he is a Dead Goat is a fulfilment of a prophesy that he gave a few years ago. ‘But that is not the most regrettable part,’ the clergyman was reported to have said, ‘the saddest part is that the president says himself that he is a Goat rather than a Sheep. And the fact that this Goat is dead is all the more lamentable.’
He referred to the revelation by Jesus that at the final Judgment Day, Sheep will be separated from Goats. ‘From scripture, we can see that the Goat is really going to sweat at the Judgement Day,’ the prophet, himself sweating profusely, screamed to his congregation, who, reeling under the weight of economic hardship, shouted back enthusiastically, ‘Amen!’
And then, the lights suddenly went off. One part of the congregation said the power outage was caused by the ECG while another blamed the ghost of the Dead Goat.
Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on ghanabusinessnews.com is satire.