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Kufuor prophesies nation-wide plague of yeast infection

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Former President J. A. Kufour
Former President J. A. Kufuor

Former President John Agyekum Kufuor has prophesied that a massive plague of yeast infection is about to hit every corner of the country, with wonderful consequences for all bakers in Ghana.

Using his Oxford English, the man fondly known as ‘The Gentle Giant’ predicted that the consequence of this plague will be ‘nothing less than cataclysmic,’ unless the NDC government turns to the Lord and desires in its heart to do what is right. This prophecy comes shortly after the cedi took a severe beating from major international currencies.

‘In the last days, coins and a pocketful of notes will not suffice to purchase bread for your empty, growling stomachs. Then will Ghanaian bakers demand wheelbarrows full of cash for a single loaf of bread,’ said the former president, who has been spending a good deal of his retirement time taking an intensive course in Apocalyptic Economic Fortune-Telling at GIMPA.

‘Ghanaian bakeries are going to experience a Doomsday of Monstrous Prosperity, and it is going to be such as was not since Independence Day in 1957, nor ever shall be. And when this should have happened, then would you know that verily, verily the End Times are upon us!’ the former president said, waxing mightily prophetic.

But, pastors in the country have reacted with jealousy to ex-president Kufuor’s foray into the soothsaying trade, questioning the veracity of his pronouncements and the authority upon which he spoke.

‘We want to assure every Ghanaian that Kufuor’s prophesy shall never come to pass,’ fumed a powerfully anointed man of God, ‘because it is only the Bread of Life which deserves to be bought at such an astronomical price. By the way, if you need to buy this Bread of Life, my church is one of the very few licenced retailers; and we also have the Holy Water needed to wash it down. And so, we want to appeal respectfully to the former president not to encroach on our territory. He should leave prophesying and fortune-telling to the pros… or the cons, to be more specific, since the greater part of our acts involve conning anyway!’

But the former president did not have any prophetic words about whether the Gods of the Land have rejected the sacrifice of the One Dead Goat and $20 million which the Bank of Ghana was daily sacrificing to placate the deranged Malignant Dwarves in their vaults.

He, however, asked Ghanaians to give credit to former hiplife group, Praye, for drawing our attention to the intimate relationship between the activities of Ministries (of Finance and Economic Planning) and Pastries (breads, cakes, meat-pies produced by bakeries).

Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on ghanabusinessnews.com is satire.

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