Ghana threatens economic sanctions on America

SanctionsThe people of Ghana have threatened to impose economic sanctions ‘which will totally devastate the American economy,’ unless the USA backtracks on their recent supreme court ruling that legalised gay marriage. This unusual warning was issued by Ghanaians who had gathered at Charismatic Evangelistic Ministries on Ghana’s Republic Day to hold a National Day of Fasting and Prayers.

The gathering unanimously decided that until the US re-criminalises gay marriage, Ghana would refuse all forms of financial and technical assistance from the US. Secondly, as a matter of urgency, all Ghanaians living in America are supposed to come back home with immediate effect. The most serious threat, however, was a ban they intend to place on the sale of ‘Fose’ (aka oburoni waa wu, aka Bend Down Boutique).

But Kweku ‘Negespe’ Effah, an acclaimed expert in ‘Fose’ Economics, has warned that if the threat to ban the sale of ‘Fose’ is carried through, dire economic consequences will follow; but he has also warned that the social consequences will be even more devastating: ‘For instance, our data indicate that 72% of churchgoers attend church in ‘Fose’-wear, so banning it will significantly reduce church attendance.’ He has, therefore, cautioned that any ban on ‘Fose’ will seriously backfire.

The gathering that issued the sanctions had met at the Charismatic Evangelistic Ministries to fast and pray for a miracle to end Ghana’s many problems, including corruption, petty and gargantuan thievery, roads that wash away whenever it rains, blood-sucking civil servants, electricity that goes on and off like disco lights, pipelines that carry air instead of water, crumbling health infrastructure, an examination council that leaks exams papers like water in a basket, fuel and utility prices that keep soaring like eagles, and metaphysical nightmares like dwarves outside the government that steal monies from the vaults of the Bank of Ghana, Old Evil Dwarves inside the government itself, and Babies with Sharp Teeth, and Invincible Forces.

In the middle of the service, Reverend Steve Mensah, the General Overseer of the church, had fallen into a trance, and it was revealed to him the one sure way to solve all the devastating problems mentioned above:

‘It has been revealed to me,’ said the good Reverend, his voice trembling under the mighty anointing, ‘It has been revealed to me by the Most High God, that our problems can never be solved until we force America to reverse this abomination! Somebody say amen!’

‘Praise the Lord!’ cheered the assembly of worshippers, which had no shortage of fornicators, liars, gossips, backbiters, and philandering pastors, ‘We will never allow homosexuality! We have logs in our own eyes but that won’t stop us from removing the mote in the eyes of homosexuals!’ Bishop Bosomtwe Ayensu, a Methodist clergyman sitting on the podium behind Steve Mensah, exclaimed, ‘Obama and the American politicians are a marauding set of beasts, cannibalising the flesh of born-again Christians! But the Lord shall deliver us from this evil’, whereupon the congregation, which had large numbers of bribe-takers and bribe-givers, shouted a loud ‘Hallelujah!’

They also threatened to pack up the George Walker Bush highway, built from money donated by the former US president, and send it back to the donors in America. ‘We can’t accept their gifts any longer,’ said Steve Mensah. ‘As we speak, we’ve moved bulldozers and other earth-moving equipment to excavate the whole stretch of the N1 highway. We’re only awaiting instructions from the Holy Spirit so we’ll start uprooting it.’

The congregants were optimistic that these sanctions would achieve the desired end of getting the US to again criminalise same sex relations. ‘But if it doesn’t work,’ said Rev Steve Mensah, who was now jumping up and down as the spirit moved powerfully in him, ‘if that doesn’t work, we have a bigger threat for them: we’ll vote for Mahama in 2016!’

Editor’s note: The ‘Inside the News by Mpakoo’ column which appears every Monday exclusively on is satire.

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